I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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