I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
