Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
