Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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