You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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