she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
