Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Randomize
