What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize