spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm sobbing to NWA
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
