a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
