Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
