i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
