Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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