i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
