apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
