there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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