Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
