Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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