So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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