last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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