im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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