I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize