the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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