I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
This house was built for laser tag.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
