ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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