There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
