if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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