i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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