I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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