The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
