I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
