Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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