I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
