He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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