i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
