Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
