I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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