You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
