my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
