My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
