Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Hippo gnu deer
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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