listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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