Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
