Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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