you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize