My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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