They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
