I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
