Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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