She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
