actually, I'm a sock model
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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