I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
