She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize